Ryan's Rules #49: You remember the effort you put in more than that of others, take a moment to reflect and appreciate the effort that others put in once in a while. Be thankful.

I’m willing to bet you always think that you are working harder than everyone else. Think back to the last group project you worked on, whether it was at the office, in a classroom, or even planning a family event. Remember the little devil sitting on your shoulder that whispered “Hey, you’re doing most of the work here!" To vent your frustration you might have even said it out loud afterward, half-joking but meaning every word. From there, your course of action really depends on which wolf you feed. Take a step back for a moment and consider, were you actually doing more? Or did it just feel that way?

Even the best of us have blind spots and this is one of them. You remember the effort you put in more than that of others. You're not an arrogant or unkind person, this is just how memory and perception work. Taking a moment to reflect and appreciate the effort of others once in a while will help you feed the right wolf. 

Be thankful. This sounds simple, maybe even obvious, but this one small thing can alter your perception of your relationships with others, and even yourself.

Are you the Actor or the Observer?

Blind spots are not character flaws. This isn’t main character syndrome. They are core to how we experience the world. You are in the driver's seat behind every ounce of effort you've ever put into your life: the late nights, anxious rewrites, moments where you bit your tongue instead of saying something rash. You lived all of that!

But you only see the outcome of other people's effort. It’s exceptionally rare to see the process that produces it. The excellent presentation to the board doesn't show the three drafts scrapped the night before. Or the timestamps on when it was last saved. Your partner's easy smile at dinner doesn't reveal the stressful phone call they handled right before walking in the door.

Effort is invisible to everyone except the person putting it in.

This is sometimes known as actor–observer bias or asymmetry. We are the actor, we judge ourselves by our good intentions and desperate struggles. Then we judge others by what we see, usually just the finished product. You are not a bad person for doing that, it’s human nature. If you leave this unchecked, however, the difference can breed resentment, score-keeping, and a horrible nagging feeling that you're always giving more than you get.

If You Look, You’ll See It Every Day

At Work

Ever felt like you're the only one pulling weight on a team project? I have. Everyone on the team is having a private version of that same thought. Each person is acutely aware of their own contributions and only dimly aware of everyone else's.

At Home

Chores, remembering birthdays, keeping the household running. You walk around with a significant load on your shoulders most of the time. Even if your other half does the dishes and cleans the living room, they probably left you the ironing, didn’t they? The invisible tasks that you didn’t notice were done are notorious for triggering the effort blind spot. Then things get adversarial and one of you starts to track every dish washed… 

In Friendships

Who initiates plans more often? Who remembers to check in after a hard week? Who consistently says no to plans instead of yes? Who paid for drinks or dinner last time? Keeping a mental tally that favours your own generosity is an easy trap to fall into. You felt the intention behind each gesture after all.

Break the Pattern!

You don't need therapy or a personality overhaul to show some gratitude. You can make it a small effortless habit. Do it at a set time once a week. This will help build that habit. You could do it last thing on a Friday before you down tools, or just before a 1:1 for one of your team. Pick a day and time and stick with it for 6 - 8 weeks.

• Name one thing you were thankful for. Pick a specific person in your life, a coworker, partner, sibling, friend, and ask yourself: what effort did they put in recently that I might have overlooked?
• Say it out loud, or write it down. Be vague here and it will fade fast. Being specific will stick in your mind. Instead of "thanks for being you," try "I really appreciate you staying late to help me finish that report." Even if you didn’t say it at the time, it’s better late than never. Importantly, share it with them. Don’t just sit there talking to yourself or writing notes you’ll throw away.
• Ask, don't assume. I suffer from this one a lot, I’ll make an assumption as a default. If you don't know what someone is dealing with, ask them. Sometimes a simple question can reveal a level of effort you had no idea was there.
• Bonus: You can show thanks via acts instead of words. Actually do the ironing instead of leaving it for them to do 🙂

Your effort still matters, it absolutely does. So don’t completely ignore yourself. This post is not about introspection though, it's about broadening your view and really seeing that everyone around you fights the same battle you do.

This Is Not A Social Problem

I mentioned main character syndrome earlier, which is not by any stretch of the imagination a recognized psychological phenomenon. This might seem like a wider social problem. The tendency to think about yourself more than others can look like an extension of that. Let’s be careful not to miss the point. This is not a social problem, despite the fact it’s not just you that does it. And it can make things worse. If you constantly feel underappreciated, you will start doing less, almost as a kind of self-protection. "Why should I go the extra mile if no one notices?"

The truth of it is, the people around you are probably thinking the exact same thing about you. They have no idea how much you're carrying. The blind spot works both ways. If you recognize this, that others might be underestimating your contribution, the same way you do with theirs, it can be freeing. The whole situation goes from "I'm unappreciated" and “woe is me” to "we're all a little blind to each other.” Sounds simple enough to fix, that.

Small Stones Can Make Huge Waves

You may have heard the phrase that small pebbles can make big ripples. (Hat-tip to Damien Dempsey on the slight variation.) Essentially, none of this requires grand gestures. You don’t have to keep score more fairly or demand recognition. In fact, this should help you stop keeping score completely. Even if you’re not going to try develop a habit, just take a pause every once in a while, and look past the finished result and wonder or ask about the process behind it. What did that tough client meeting actually cost someone in stress? What did the handmade birthday cake require in time and planning? How much did a calm tone take to maintain when things were going south?

Gratitude isn't just a nice sentiment to put on a card or hand out on holidays. It's more than that and it will make you and those around you feel a lot better about yourselves. So the next time that little devil whispers in your ear, flip them off and take a moment to ask who else might be thinking the exact same thing.

Who in your life deserves a moment of unexpected appreciation today, and what's stopping you from telling them right now?